OutSPOKEN Series | Kimberly King Releases New Edition of Children's Book, I Said No!
- 3 days ago
- 12 min read
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In this episode of the OutSPOKEN Series, Josephine A. Lauren of Incest AWARE interviewed Kimberly King about the new edition of her children’s book, I Said No!: A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private.
Kimberly is known on Instagram as the “Tough Topics Mom,” and she is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Together, she and her son, Zack, ended up co-authoring a book after an experience he had at an unsafe sleepover. She looked for resources and found that there was not a lot out there regarding child-on-child sexual abuse. She become part of Darkness to Light and started doing child sexual abuse prevention trainings, teaching body safety, and writing books. She is also now a mom of three kids, and a kindergarten teacher.
Kimberly’s book was first published in 2009. Since then, she has grown as an author, and times have changed. The new edition is published by Marble Press, whose team helped her rewrite it to be more comprehensive.
What’s New in the New Edition of I Said No!
Josephine asked Kimberly what the key changes are in the new edition.
“One of the big things we're seeing in the research is that there is actually more child-to-child sexual abuse happening, and the root of that the research is showing is typically access to pornography and social media…and then just over sexualizing the culture that our young children have to live in,” Kimberly explained.
She added scenarios to the book to reflect that. In one, a kid is playing on an X-box and a stranger tries to connect with them, claiming to be a 13-year-old girl, so they befriend them. These scenarios teach kids that people online may not be who they pose as, as well as what to do if somebody tries to connect with them online. It’s also an introduction to the topic of what to do if someone tries to get you to send pictures.
“It's very light, but it's an introduction to those topics, which is great because once you introduce it, you can talk about it further with your child. You don't have to overwhelm them and scare them to death,” Kimberly explained. “That's the point of all of these things…they're kind of just like conversation starters and then the parents take it from there.”
The Inspiration for I Said No!
“What inspired you to write this children’s book specifically?” Josephine asked. Kimberly explained that many years ago, her son had a scary sleepover experience. They had known these neighbors for a while but had never had a sleep over. During the night, Kimberly had a bad feeling, but convinced herself she was just feeling unsettled because she just had a baby, and everything was probably fine. But when she picked her son up the next day, he told her he experienced a red flag.
She and her children had a system where if anyone ever tried to touch their private parts, they would raise a red flag in their mind and tell a trusted adult. Her son apparently did tell the mother in the home, but she just sent him back to his friend. “So, you never really know how anybody is going to supervise your children behind closed doors,” said Kimberly. “I just never thought that my son would be at risk from his best friend who was six years old. It just never crossed my mind. So, we ended up writing about it afterwards.”
Kimberly explained how at the time her son didn’t understand how big of a deal it was; he didn’t really understand what happened. But later, he felt ashamed and like it was his fault; he was traumatized. Through writing in journals and talking about it — especially about how it was brave of him to tell his mom right away and that that kind of behavior is not supposed to happen among childhood friends — led them to co-author this book. Kimberly explained that she wanted to bring awareness to this kind of issue, and so did her son, Zack.
“I'm so inspired that you and Zack got to write that book together,” said Jo. “Peer-to-peer sexual abuse, or especially sibling sexual trauma and abuse, is so common, and youth voices in the prevention, intervention, recovery and justice processes is so important. So, I love that Zack gets such a strong voice in the book,” she continued.
I Said No! Includes All Types of People Who Harm
Josephine also explained that she appreciates how the book educates adults and children together, giving them the basic red and green flag language to use. Josephine especially loved the focus on the fact that there are lots of different types of people in a child’s life who could harm them, including family members.
“Incest is often so left out of the child sexual abuse conversation. Prevention education is often so focused on people who harm outside the home. I was so relieved to see that you included a whole page on: “Hey if it's your parent, that's really tough, and that's the hardest thing of all,” said Jo.
Kimberly explained that when the book was first published, the publisher didn’t want to include that language in there, because it’s such a taboo topic, and you don’t want to have that idea in someone’s head. However, she pushed for it because she knew it was important to address, since it does happen. “They have to know that it happens, it's not okay, and what to do,” said Kimberly.
Who is a “Safe Adult” in I Said No!
Another change in the new edition is the definition of who is a safe adult. In the old edition, Kimberly defined it as your mom, your teacher, etc. “I gave a list of people and that's not right,” she explained. “What it actually has to be is who the child feels is safe, and then it has to be based on the person's behavior, not their title,” she continued.
In the new edition, a safe adult is somebody your child chooses who would show up in an emergency, would never break a body safety rule, wouldn't ask to keep secrets, and is somebody that the child feels comfortable talking about tough stuff with.
Jo. added that she loves to see that Kimberly is committed to the evolution of this book. Kimberly then asked whether non blood-related sibling abuse would still count as incest. Jo. explained that legal definition of incest can vary from state to state, but it in the case of violence prevention, when we talk about incest we are talking about any intrafamilial child sexual abuse.
“When we define incest, we say basically family by blood, family by care or proximity. And then family by home, anyone who you're cohabitating with. So that could be anyone from a babysitter to a biological sibling, to a parent, to like the family priest who comes over every Sunday,” Jo. explained. “Anyone who is just really bonded into the fabric or like woven into the fabric of the family system, we would consider a family member.”
“That makes sense. I mean, that makes me think about my babysitter story that I sometimes share with people, but I can share that with you,” said Kimberly.
Kimberly’s CSA Story: Part of Her Motivation to Write I Said No!
Kimberly went on to explain that she used to have a female babysitter named Joy, who was her favorite babysitter. “She used to let us stay up late and give us ice cream when we weren't supposed to and, you know, let us play. We did everything we weren't supposed to, keeping secrets, all of that. And then eventually it became this thing where she wanted to play games when we were taking baths. And when it started to involve private parts, my mother had said to me just one simple sentence, like, ‘If anybody tries to touch your private parts, tell me.’ And so, we told my mom right away. We never saw that babysitter again,” she said.
Kimberly explained how because of that simple intervention, they diverted a really serious situation. She also emphasized how it was a female babysitter.
“I think a lot of times, parents kind of feel this comfort level with female teachers and female babysitters, and we just make all these assumptions that a woman or young girl wouldn't do that. But I just think it's definitely not the case,” Kimberly said.
Cases of female-perpetrated abuse often go unreported, Kimberly shared. Though the statistics say something like 90% of abuse is perpetrated by men, in her case, none of the supposed risk factors applied to her. She grew up in a nuclear family in a nice home with a female babysitter, “And it still happened to me and it happened to me twice,” said Kimberly. “So, the risk factors I think are interesting, and it just makes me think we really all just need to focus on prevention, and just reducing the risks when we can, but not assuming that they're not there because they are,” she continued.
“You're so right,” said Jo. “And as another survivor of intrafamilial child sexual abuse within a, in my case it was a wealthy, safe, white community…I find myself saying to people, hey, it happens to in our communities too,” she continued. “Just like you were saying, it happens by females too. It happens to males too…So much of sexual violence research in general has been really focused on abuse between cis-gendered men and cis-gendered women. There is abuse between all ages and all populations.”
Jo. explained that’s why it’s so important that we continue to focus on prevention and intervention for everyone.
Kimberly’s Dreams For I Said No!
Next, Jo. asked Kimberly what her dreams are with this book moving forward, now that it’s being re-released.
Kimberly said that she really hopes someday every state will pass legislation, such as Erin’s Law, which has been passed in 38 states and requires or encourages body safety prevention education for kids. She hopes that passes everywhere and that parents and teachers work together to educate and empower kids. Kimberly explained that she envisions the training of teachers, the training of parents, and the training of kids: a three-tiered approach.
“And I don't think we're quite there yet, but that is my dream, that we can start early, like in preschool, and just start to teach the body safety language; teach kids about their bodies and the right names of the parts and have a comprehensive prevention program from when you're born until when you go off to college. So that when you go to college, you're going to have a different experience than I did. It needs to be comprehensive and holistic. That's my goal. That's my dream,” Kimberly shared.
“I love that dream so much,” said Jo. “I entirely agree with this community-centered approach when it comes to prevention of sexual abuse, just in general, that we all need to be better equipped, educated on this subject.”
Jo. explained that she has a little one in her life and it’s so great to see her raised in a home where body parts are explained and talked about. It’s so different from the environment she grew up in, which contributed to her abuse. Jo said it’s so great to see her expressing boundaries about her body.
“Your writing is changing our culture,” she told Kimberly. “And I know there's a lot of room to continue to grow, but I'm seeing change happen for the next generation, which is really exciting,” Jo continued.
Kimberly explained that’s what she loves about this field of prevention education, and that there are many other great books and great authors.
I Said No! Author’s Recommendations for Other Body Safety Books for Kids
Kimberly recommends All About Penises: A Learning About Bodies Book and All About Vulvas and Vaginas: A Learning About Bodies Book, as well. She explained that they’re great for kids two and up, and said jokingly that they could be good for men who need a brush-up on the female anatomy as well. She also recommended another one called, My Big, Embarrassing Elephant, which is about shame, and how we all carry it.
She also recommended a book she read with her class, That's My Truck!: A Good Inside Story About HItting, by Dr. Becky, about bullying by siblings. Jo. and Kimberly discussed how consent education does not have to be only about sex either, and rules about consent can go beyond that. Kimberly said that conversations about body safety and boundaries also need to make it clear that an unsafe touch might not feel bad, so it’s important for kids to understand that they are the boss of their bodies and no one should touch their private parts.
Experiences of Incest Abuse Survivors
Jo. also explained how even in Kimberly’s personal story with her babysitter, the grooming process was evident, and luckily, she was able to tell her mom and she intervened. In incest cases, they often don’t need the grooming process because they are already dependent on that family member, and they are told that this is how things are supposed to be, “This is what you are supposed to do for me.” Jo explained that she has talked to many incest survivors who said they didn’t even realize what was happening in their home was wrong until they learned about good touch/bad touch in school, or years later, when they read a book like Kimberly’s.
Kimberly shared that she has a friend who is a survivor of really serious sibling sexual abuse and trauma, and she just remembered it when she was 53 years old. The consequences are devastating. She is amazed at the work survivors do to heal and how they can go on and have productive lives and good relationships.
Jo. explained how she disclosed when she was younger than many survivors, in her 20s. She used to teach at a high school, and students would come up and disclose to her that they are survivors. “What a great thing that we are creating a culture where people can come forward earlier, get the help they need, and find support,” she said.
Kimberly explained that in the book she made sure to write, “No matter what, it isn’t your fault,” because a lot of kids blame themselves. She continued that there is such power in knowing that there are stories like Jo.’s, people who can talk about what happened to them. That gives kids courage and comfort, to know they’re not alone. “I think like 68% of kids never tell anyone, so if we can just shift that a little bit, piece by piece, and also work on prevention,” said Kimberly.
Jo. added that one of the reasons many kids don’t disclose is that they’re afraid of being reported on, especially if the abuse is within the home. We need to be creative in ways we encourage kids to feel comfortable to disclose.
I Said No! Tips on Receiving Disclosures
Kimberly shared that in her book she also wrote about how to receive reports. When her son disclosed this to her, she reacted angrily at first. “I lost my temper with the other mom and then that triggered memories and an emotional breakdown, and I had a crying fit in the shower, but it didn't help my son at all, right? And he kind of clamped up once I started wigging out, right? So, although it's really hard to keep your cool if you are a teacher or a parent or whatever, you kind of just have that space where they can tell you whatever it is they need to tell you, and you just listen.”
Kimberly added that people should try not to say things like, “I'm going to kill that person,” or “We’re sending that person to jail,” or “how could he do that?!” She continued, “It’s way complicated, but the biggest thing is just to hold the space where the child can talk.”
Kimberly’s book includes tips about how to do that. One thing she does in her classroom, they have a “body safety box”, where if any of the kids are having a body safety emergency, they can put a note in the box and she will go talk to them. “You need a system to create an environment where telling is just so easy that it's not a big deal,” she said.
Jo. said she often practices what she could say in those situations, since she talks about her prevention work openly and kids her life may know that they can come to her.
We can all practice saying things like, “Thank you so much for telling me; it's not your fault. It is the adult's job in your life to protect you, and I'm so sorry that we failed to do that. We are going to do that going forward. And it is our responsibility to solve this problem.”
Jo. added that a lot of parents and teachers just don’t know what to say, so having some phrases in your head can help. She asked Kimberly what some of her favorites are. Kimberly recommended
“I'm here to listen,”
“I believe you,”
“You can tell me whatever you need to say.”
And reminding them they're in a safe space. She added that you never want to make them a promise that you will fix the situation today, because sometimes you aren’t able to and you don’t want to make a false promise to a kid that is disclosing. She also recommended thanking them for telling you.
In closing, Jo. told Kimberly, “I'm so grateful for your work and can't wait to just see the impact that it has as you disseminate the new version out there.” Kimberly said she was grateful to be able to talk about it and she was looking forward to the new edition’s release, which was in September 2025. Get the book here!
About THE OutSPOKEN Series:
Incest AWARE's OutSPOKEN Discussion Series features guests in the field of sexual violence prevention committed to our mission: ending incest abuse by raising awareness of the epidemic of sexual violence in the family system, and supporting survivors and their loved ones along their healing journeys. To view the series, click here.
About Incest AWARE:
The Incest AWARE Alliance is a collective of incest survivors and allies working to improve methods of incest prevention, intervention, recovery and justice. We offer a healing support group for adult incest survivors, an alliance of anti-incest advocates and activists seeking community, as well as https://www.incestaware.org/learning-library. Thank you for your interest in becoming Incest AWARE.
